Self-sabotage in relationships is when one part of you pushes away the closeness another part of you wants. You pick a fight just as things feel good. You go cold, test the other person, or never say what you need. It is rarely a character flaw. It is usually an old pattern that once kept you safe. It was learned early, when closeness and danger were mixed up. And it tends to show up with partners, family, clients and business partners alike.
This page explains why it happens, how to spot it, and what helps. It uses one part of David Cameron Gikandi’s 6-Layer Model: the Relational layer.
What self-sabotage in relationships looks like
Relationship self-sabotage hides well. Each move can look fair on its own. Put together, they form a pattern. Common signs include:
- pulling away just when the relationship starts to feel good,
- picking small fights that seem to come out of nowhere,
- testing the other person to see if they will stay,
- never saying what you need, then feeling hurt that it wasn’t met,
- being drawn to people who can’t really show up for you,
- giving far more than you get, then quietly resenting it,
- ending things first, so you can’t be left.
If you see yourself in a few of these, you’re in good company. These patterns are very common, and they make sense once you see where they come from.
Why do I self-sabotage my relationships?
Most of us learned how relationships work long before we could think about it. We learned in what one of our articles calls “the original room”: the home and the people we depended on as children.
Attachment research, which began with John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, showed how strongly those early bonds shape the way we connect as adults. If the people we needed were warm and steady, closeness tends to feel safe. If they were unpredictable, closeness can feel risky, even when we want it badly.
David has written about this in his own life. In his words: “I learned early that the person I depended on for love could also be the source of danger.”
When that is the lesson, the body learns to brace when someone gets close. A part of you starts looking for the exit before anything has gone wrong. From the outside it looks like sabotage. From the inside it feels like staying safe.
This can be tender ground. If old relationships bring up a lot of pain, or you notice patterns you can’t shift on your own, please work with a qualified therapist or counsellor. You deserve proper support, and a page is no substitute for it.
The Relational layer: where this pattern lives
The 6-Layer Model is David’s map for finding where a block actually sits. It has six layers: Essence, Ego, Narrative, Somatic, Behavioural and Relational. A block can live in one layer, several, or all six.
The Relational layer is about what happens between you and other people. In plain words, it is the part of you that runs the room when you’re not the only one in it. Your nervous system meets someone else’s. Then, often before you’ve had a single thought, it decides what to do. Over-give. Go quiet. Perform. Pull away. Our article on the Relational layer goes deeper.
This layer also works the other way. Sometimes the people around you are invested, often without knowing it, in you staying the same. A partner, a parent or an old friend may feel uneasy when you change, and push back in small ways.
Relational patterns are fed by the other layers. A Narrative belief like “people only stay if I’m useful” shows up as over-giving. A Somatic alarm shows up as going cold right after a lovely evening. That’s why talking yourself out of it rarely lasts. The pattern isn’t only a thought.
The same pattern in three rooms
Relational self-sabotage doesn’t stay in one part of life. The same pattern tends to turn up wherever closeness, trust or money is on the table.
With a partner
With a partner, it might look like keeping your needs to yourself, then blowing up later. Or it might look like keeping one foot out the door, so that leaving would hurt less. David has described his younger self this way: “I’d date people who took advantage of me, or just lived by their values while mine got erased, because I never even spoke up about what I needed.”
With family
Family is where many of our roles were first handed out. The responsible one. The peacekeeper. The one who “can take it”. These roles can follow us into adult life and into every new relationship. David’s mini-course Resolve Family-Of-Origin Patterns helps you name the role you still play.
With clients and business partners
This is the room most relationship articles skip, and it matters a great deal if you run a business. The pattern that over-gives to a partner often over-gives to a client too. The fear of being left can become a fear of losing a client, so you discount, add free extras and say yes to work that drains you.
David has described how a pattern learned around one difficult person carried into adult life: “You over-explain. Over-share. Try to convince them not to explode.” And then: “This spills into everyday life, with people who are actually normal.” For an entrepreneur, a price talk, a partnership deal or a team meeting can wake up that same old alarm.
Our guide to partner and family dynamics covers this side in more depth.
How to not self-sabotage a new relationship
New relationships are where the pattern often fires hardest. Early closeness is exciting, and to an old alarm, excitement and danger can feel almost the same. A few gentle steps help.
- Notice the urge, and wait. When you feel the pull to go cold, test, or end things, give it a day before you act. The urge is real. It doesn’t have to be obeyed.
- Name the old room. Ask, “Who did I first learn this with?” Seeing where the pattern began makes it less mysterious and less powerful.
- Say one small need out loud. Early on, practise asking for something simple. Each time it goes fine, the old rule that “needs are dangerous” loosens a little.
- Let calm be enough. If you grew up with chaos, a steady person can feel boring at first. Try to stay curious before you decide.
- Tell the truth about the pattern. You might say, “Sometimes I pull away when I like someone. If I go quiet, it isn’t about you.” Naming it takes away much of its force.
Want to know your own pattern better? David’s mini-course Your Attachment Style In 5 Days looks at how you bond and how you pull back. It covers love and business.
What helped David
For decades, certain people made David feel small. In his words: “I’d meet someone and, depending on their expression or energy, I’d suddenly feel like I was seven years old. Shorter than them—even if I wasn’t.”
What loosened it was slow, and none of it was a trick. He learned to notice the pattern as it ran. He worked with a psychologist in his forties. And in May 2025, when he finally told his whole story, that seven-year-old feeling let go. “Something let go,” he wrote.
One line he returns to is simple: “Healing needs another person.” He also credits Jay Reid’s teaching for a phrase that guides a lot of our work: “Go where acceptance is given, not earned.”
That is the deeper point. Relationship patterns were learned with people, and they tend to change with people too. In safe company, the old alarm slowly learns it can stand down.
And because the same patterns run your relationships and your business, the work never stops at insight. In our words: “Because manifesting is as natural as breathing. The work is releasing the brakes, rising above the conditioning, and building real structure and flow around abundance.” In a relationship, that structure might be honest agreements and clear boundaries. In a business, it is clear prices and terms you can hold. For the wider picture of how this pattern works, see our complete guide to self-sabotage patterns.
Questions people ask
Why do I push away people I love?
Often because, early in life, closeness and danger came from the same place. Part of you learned to leave before you could be hurt. The pattern was protective then. It can be gently updated now.
Is self-sabotage in relationships caused by trauma?
It can be linked to hard things that happened early in life. But not always. Only a qualified professional can say what is going on for you. If a relationship ever feels unsafe, please reach out to a counsellor or to local support services.
How do I stop self-sabotaging my relationship?
Start by noticing the moment the urge fires, then wait before acting. Name where you first learned the pattern, practise saying one small need, and spend time with people who feel safe. A couples counsellor or therapist can help you both see the pattern together.
Can relationship patterns affect my business?
Yes. The same Relational layer is active with clients, partners and teams. It can shape how you price, sell and set boundaries at work.
Where to go from here
The Abundance GPS masterclass shows the whole approach in one sitting. You’ll see how old patterns, brakes and business structure fit together.
And if you’d like a place where acceptance is given, not earned, come to the Abundance GPS community on Skool. We help conscious entrepreneurs with adverse childhood experiences get out of their own way and release their brakes — so they can multiply their income and magnify their impact. Every tier opens with a 7-day free trial. Join the Abundance GPS community.
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