Somatic Regulation for Soul Work vs Survival Work
You’ve done the reading. Maybe you’ve sat with the question of navigating soul work vs survival work more times than you can count. And something is still a little stuck — not dramatically, just quietly, persistently.
That’s often not a knowledge problem. It’s an integration problem. You have the insight. The lived experience hasn’t caught up yet.
This is where applied practice — real, grounded, specific — tends to do what reading can’t.
The Practice: Dear Man Assertive Communication
This practice addresses navigating soul work vs survival work through direct, embodied engagement rather than analysis.
The reason this works for people who’ve done significant inner work is that it doesn’t ask you to think your way through anything. It creates conditions for something to shift that analysis alone can’t shift.
If you’re someone who carries ACE-related patterns — perfectionism, over-functioning, difficulty receiving, chronic vigilance — you may notice this practice brushing up against those. That’s useful information, not a sign to stop.
When This Is the Right Practice
- When you need to make a request that feels uncomfortable
- For setting boundaries without damaging relationships
- During negotiations where you need to advocate for yourself
- When addressing behavior that’s affecting you negatively
- For expressing disagreement respectfully
- When you tend toward people-pleasing or aggression
- Before any difficult conversation where clarity matters
- When asking for raises, changes, or accommodations
The Core Principles
FACTS BEFORE INTERPRETATIONS
What it means: Start with observable, objective facts rather than emotional judgments
Why it matters: “The report was submitted two days late” invites dialogue; “You’re always unreliable” invites defense
Result: People can hear facts without feeling attacked
ASSERTIVE ≠ AGGRESSIVE
What it means: Assertiveness says “I matter AND you matter”—neither domination nor self-erasure
Contrast: Aggressive = “I matter more”; Passive = “You matter more”
Liberation: You can advocate for yourself while respecting others
REINFORCE THE MUTUAL WIN
What it means: Help others see how meeting your request benefits them too
Shift: From “taking” to collaborative problem-solving
Evidence: People are more receptive when they see what’s in it for them
The DEAR MAN Framework
D – DESCRIBE the Facts
What It Means
– State objective, observable facts about the situation
– Use “just the facts” language without judgment words
– Avoid interpretations, assumptions, or loaded language
How to Apply
– Remove words like “always,” “never,” “should”
– Describe what a video camera would capture
– Stick to specific instances, not generalizations
Examples
– ❌ “You never listen to me”
– ✅ “In our last three meetings, I was interrupted before finishing my point”
– ❌ “You’re always late and unreliable”
– ✅ “The report was submitted two days after the deadline”
E – EXPRESS Your Feelings
What It Means
– Share your emotional response to the facts
– Use “I feel” statements, not “You make me feel”
– Own your emotions rather than blaming them on others
How to Apply
– Connect feelings directly to the described facts
– Be specific about emotions (frustrated vs. upset)
– Keep it brief—one or two feelings, not a flood
Examples
– “I feel frustrated when meetings run over because…”
– “I feel anxious when I don’t know the status of the project”
– “I feel dismissed when my input isn’t acknowledged”
A – ASSERT What You Need
What It Means
– Make a clear, specific request
– State what you want to happen going forward
– Ask directly—don’t hint or expect mind-reading
How to Apply
– Be specific: what, when, how often
– Make it actionable—something they can actually do
– One request at a time, not a list of demands
Examples
– “I need to receive project updates by Friday each week”
– “I’m asking for 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to share my perspective”
– “I’d like us to agree on a process for raising concerns”
R – REINFORCE the Benefits
What It Means
– Explain positive outcomes for both parties if the request is met
– Help them see why saying yes serves them too
– Paint a picture of the win-win
How to Apply
– Focus on concrete, relevant benefits to them
– Connect your request to shared goals
– Show how this improves the relationship/situation
Examples
– “If I have uninterrupted focus time, I’ll deliver higher quality work that reflects well on the whole team”
– “When we communicate clearly about deadlines, it reduces stress for both of us”
– “This would help me contribute more effectively to our shared objectives”
M – Stay MINDFUL
What It Means
– Keep focus on your objective—don’t get sidetracked
– Don’t rise to bait or get pulled into tangents
– Use the “broken record” technique if needed—calmly repeat your request
How to Apply
– When attacked or deflected, acknowledge and return: “I hear that, and…”
– Don’t defend past behavior or get drawn into other issues
– Stay present to THIS conversation, THIS request
Examples
– “I understand you’re frustrated too. What I’m asking for today is…”
– “We can discuss that separately. Right now, I’d like to resolve…”
– Calmly repeating: “What I need is…” without escalating
A – APPEAR Confident
What It Means
– Use confident body language and tone regardless of internal nervousness
– Make eye contact, speak clearly, maintain steady posture
– Act as if you have the right to make this request (because you do)
How to Apply
– Practice beforehand if needed
– Stand/sit up straight, shoulders relaxed but not slumped
– Speak in statements, not questions (no upward inflection)
– Pause instead of filling silence with apologies or hedging
Examples of Confident vs. Undermining Language
– ✅ “I need this by Thursday” vs. ❌ “If it’s not too much trouble, maybe Thursday?”
– ✅ “This is important to me” vs. ❌ “Sorry to bother you, but…”
– ✅ Steady eye contact vs. ❌ Looking away, fidgeting
N – NEGOTIATE if Needed
What It Means
– Be willing to give to get—flexibility within boundaries
– Offer alternative solutions that still meet your core need
– Ask for their input: “What would work for you?”
How to Apply
– Know your non-negotiables versus nice-to-haves before the conversation
– Be creative about alternative paths to the same outcome
– If they say no, ask: “What would make this possible?”
Examples
– “If Thursday doesn’t work, what’s the earliest you could manage?”
– “I’m flexible on the method—what matters is the outcome”
– “What would you need from me to make this happen?”
The Complete DEAR MAN Script Template
DESCRIBE: "When [specific factual situation]..."
EXPRESS: "I feel [emotion] because..."
ASSERT: "What I need/am asking for is..."
REINFORCE: "This would benefit us both by..."
[Then during the conversation:]
MINDFUL: Stay focused on the request, don't get sidetracked
APPEAR: Confident body language, clear speech
NEGOTIATE: "What would work for you?" if needed
You’ll know it’s time for this when:
– You find yourself cycling through the same insights without them landing
– You feel clear in your head but foggy in your body
– The gap between who you know you could be and how your days feel is widening
Soul work vs survival work often shows up here — when the practices you’re doing are coming from a survival-mode mindset rather than a soul-aligned one. This practice can help you notice which mode is running.
How to Work Through It
Take this slowly. You don’t need to complete all steps in one sitting. Some people find it useful to do one section per day and let it settle before moving forward.
Work through this in small, unhurried steps. Notice what arises without pushing for resolution.
As you move through this:
– Notice what feels true in your body, not just your mind
– If something brings up grief or resistance, slow down rather than push through
– You might want to journal what arises — not to analyse it, but to give it somewhere to land
What to Expect
DEAR MAN transforms the experience of difficult conversations. Instead of dreading confrontation or avoiding needs, you have a reliable structure. The separation of facts from emotions significantly reduces defensive reactions from others. Your requests are clearer, making them easier to respond to. Over time, people learn you communicate directly but respectfully—they know where they stand with you and trust you more because of it. The technique also reduces your own anxiety because you’re not improvising—you have a framework. Most users report dramatic improvement in getting their needs met while actually improving rather than damaging relationships.
Source: Insights-Our Skool Courses.csv – Rows 77-79
Tags: communication, assertiveness, DBT, boundaries, relationships, conflict-resolution
This isn’t a one-time fix. Living on-purpose is built through repeated, small acts of alignment — and practices like this are part of what makes that possible.
One Honest Note
If this practice brings up something that feels bigger than a technique can hold — something that touches early loss, deep grief, or long-held survival patterns — that’s important information. An article can point; it can’t accompany you. Working with a therapist or somatic practitioner who understands trauma and identity may serve you better in those moments.
You are not behind for needing that. You’re being honest about what the moment actually requires.
Discovering your calling often accelerates not when we push harder, but when we get the right support structure in place.
Continuing From Here
If this opened something up, legacy and impact is a natural next exploration — because how you show up in this practice directly shapes what you leave behind.
And if you want to work through practices like this alongside others who are also integrating, not just accumulating knowledge, the community below is worth a look.
If any of this landed — if you found yourself nodding along, or if one sentence made you stop and sit with something — there’s a space where that recognition goes deeper.
The Abundance GPS community on Skool is a free trial away. Inside, you’ll find people who’ve done the reading, the certifications, the inner work — and who are still piecing it together, just like you. David Cameron Gikandi (author of A Happy Pocket Full of Money and Creative Consultant on The Secret) guides the community through the GPS+I framework: Goal, Problem, Solutions, Integration — one month at a time.
You don’t have to have it figured out to show up.
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